We All Need a Little More Kindness

“Why is kindness so hard for family members to show each other?” Tom asked me one morning.

It was a rare weekend morning with no activities or appointments and we were alone in the kitchen having breakfast together.

“What?” I said.

“Well, it just seems that people are nicer to strangers than they are to their own family members. And I was just wondering why that is.”

I looked at him strangely trying to figure out where this was coming from. I thought back to the day before but nothing came to mind that would trigger this line of questioning.

“Well, I suppose,” I began my answer, “it’s because your family loves you no matter what you do. Your house, your family, is a safe place and you can be free to be yourself there. You can dump there and not be judged.”

“That’s just not right. You should be nicer to your family than some stranger on the street.”

“I agree. But for some reason that just doesn’t seem to be how families work.”

He went back to eating his cereal.

Since that morning I have pondered the question off and on in my head. Surely, our families deserve better treatment then strangers. But lately overall kindness seems to be in short supply. Yet, kindness is the fourth element of the Fruit of the Spirit. And as Christians, we should be exhibiting it on a daily basis. Maybe even at an hourly or minute by minute basis. I know for myself, it’s very easy to open a door for a stranger or let a car change lanes in front of me, but kindness to my family? I think I need to work on that.

What is Kindness?

So what is kindness anyway? Well, one definition states that it is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. It is closely related to the word, compassionate which is a feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others. These qualities of human being can best be seen in times of tragedy. But what about the everyday, ordinary times? They almost seem to disappear.

A good example of kindness in the Bible is found in 2 Samuel 9:1-3. Saul is dead and David has become king of Israel. He asks if there is anyone still alive from Saul’s household that he can show kindness to for Jonathan’s sake. A servant of Saul’s is brought before David and tells him that Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth, is alive and lame in both feet. David restored all of Saul’s land to Mephibosheth and even brought him into his household to always sit at the king’s table. In spite of all the things Saul did to David, he showed compassion and kindness to Saul’s grandson in honor of his father.

The Worst in Us All

We do have the capacity for almost bottomless generosity toward individuals with whom we share a sense of community or affiliation. But, on the other hand, we can engage in unspeakable and seemingly heartless acts of malice toward those who fall outside of our “groups.” Think about all the wars, genocide, and overall hatred in the world. Unfortunately, we have an “Us versus Them” mentality which is brought about by a perception of fear or threat, and a sense of scarcity.

But as we start to engage with people “not like us,” we gain a sense of empathy – the ability to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and understand their experiences and emotions. And with that greater understanding, we can begin the investment in the emotional interest of someone else.

Ways to Show Kindness

Forgive Yourself

So how do we become more kind? Well, sometimes the first step is self-forgiveness. Like I’ve said before, we are humans and we make mistakes, sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. And when we do make a mistake, we need to forgive ourselves in order to get back on track. And this applies to when we hurt ourselves and when we hurt something or someone else. We need self-forgiveness any time we violate a standard norm and want to correct the action.

Practice on Your Family

And the best part of all is that we can practice all this forgiveness, compassion, and empathy at home on our families. Yes, those people who live in your house, who see you day in and day out, who have seen you at your worst and, hopefully, at your best, can be your guinea pigs.

Practice the compassionate habit at home. Pause and react with more kindness. Maybe that towel really did magically drop itself on the bathroom floor. Instead of looking for who’s to blame, pick it up, place it back on the holder, and thank God for your family.

Look for ways to be empathic. If your son comes home from school, slams the textbooks on the dining room table, and exclaims that his teachers hate him, and he stomps upstairs to his bedroom, maybe think back to a time you were in a similar situation. Then when he finally emerges from his room calmer, or over dinner, recite your story from long ago and how you felt back then. Validating his feelings can go a long way on the kindness scale.

Are You Tired or Hungry?

Also, remember when you are hungry, tired, or stressed, you are more likely to interpret other people’s actions negatively. I know this can be hard for people, especially moms, to do but get enough food to eat (snack if necessary), get plenty of rest (including naps), and take some time to decompress even if it’s in the car for 5 minutes before entering the house.

Finally, look for something your loved ones are doing right and praise them for it. Or just tell them what you appreciate most about them. That will probably get you a few funny looks and even a “who are you and what have you done with my mother?” response. But it’s a powerful way to boost morale and compassion around the house. Besides, has nagging really done any good? It’s time for a new strategy.

Now getting back to Tom’s question, I don’t know if there is any good answer. I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t ask it again around our home. I’m spreading a little more kindness around the house. After all, shouldn’t we practice being Christ-like with those we love and trust the most?