I Don’t Know Where I Belong

“I don’t know where I belong anymore,” my neighbor, Lainie, said to me last year after her husband, Brian, left her. She stood by the front window in her living room looking out at the street where the kids including her seven-year-old daughter, Mackenzie, rode their bikes.

At first, I didn’t know how to reply. I just sat there on her couch trying to find words of comfort to ease her pain. Finally, I got up, walked over to her, and hugged her. Soon tears flowed from her eyes. “For now, you belong here,” I eventually whispered in her ear.

Where do I belong?

Today, I find Lainie’s statement spinning in my head again. It has often done that since Tom died. I understand better now. We both lost our husbands. We lost them in different ways, but they are still gone. It wasn’t our choice. We’re both trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and put them back together in some sort of normalcy.

Meanwhile we are stuck in limbo; “an uncertain or undecided state or condition,” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. Limbo is a precarious and indefinite condition of uncertainty. In short, it is an awkward adjustment from who I was to who I am now. There was no adjustment period. One minute, I am a woman married to the love of my life. Suddenly, without warning I am a widow. And I don’t know exactly what that word “widow” means yet. At any rate, it is a lonely state to be in.

Sometimes I just sit and stare out the window. I’m not really looking at anything and my mind wanders. Other times I get into the car and drive having no real place to go determined. Is this the stillness talked about in the Bible? Is this the introspection necessary to leave limbo or advance to the next stage? Where do I belong?

Lainie Belongs on Primrose Lane

Lainie and Brian moved into the neighborhood about five years ago. They seemed like a happy, little family with their toddler, Mackenzie. But who knows what really goes on when the doors are closed; including the people who live there. We can’t read other people’s minds and, for the most part, that’s a good thing. But occasionally, it can be the most devastating thing in the world.

Lainie was a stay-at-home mom who thought she was living her dream until one afternoon when she received a text from Brian: “Won’t be home tonight or ever. Don’t want to be married anymore or be a dad. I tried but I can’t do it anymore.”

She tried to call him. He didn’t answer the phone. She texted him. No reply. There’s been no communication at all except through divorce attorneys.

Lainie quickly became a working mom. Laurel, Holly, and the other teen-aged girls took turns watching Mackenzie. Mary Sue delivered evening meals and did her laundry. The men took over the caretaking of the outside of her house. I was her grocery shopper, errand runner, and shoulder to cry on. We all became her safety net. We showed her she belonged on Primrose Lane.

God Will Tell Us Where We Belong

Now Lainie is my shoulder to cry on. Saturday nights I walk to her house and have dinner with her and Mackenzie and then watch a movie and eat popcorn or maybe play a board game. After Mackenzie is in bed, we sip hot herbal tea and have “deep” conversations about life.

This isn’t what either of us planned for our lives. We don’t have the answers and all we can do is trust God. And even that is sometimes difficult to do. But we keep doing it.

I remember reading a devotional once which said to trust God when things seem to be going wrong and thank Him when your life feels increasingly out of control because then you will feel God’s unfathomable peace. Trusting and thanking Him is a daily ritual in my life now. However, feeling His peace is not always easy.

For the time being, Lainie and I both belong on Primrose Lane. And God will show us where we need to be. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open. He will show us where we belong. We just need to lean on Him, trust Him, and thank Him. Only then will we feel His peace and know everything will be okay.

So what about all of you? Are you where you belong or are you as confused as Lainie and me? Please leave a comment below and lets discuss. Maybelle Crabtree signing off.