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What is God asking of me? Maybelle Crabtree here. So it’s the end of November and I’m looking back at the events of this year. This year has been difficult for me; not for anything in particular, just difficult. My word for this year was “forward” and I have not lived that word very well. Maybe I’m just in the deepest part of my grieving process. At times, I feel even more saddened now than when Tom died. It’s been two years and I feel stuck.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Depending on the day, I sometimes think to myself, “It’s been two years you should be further on this journey.” Other times the thought is, “It’s only been two years, what do you expect?”
My 2023 Planner
I glanced at my 2023 planner today, especially the Vision Board, Healthy Habit Goals which are broken down into daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly quadrants, and Annual Goals. Most of those goals have gone by the wayside. Only on the daily goals have I been somewhat successful with: making my bed, praying, and reading devotionals. I have done at least one of those things each day this year. But writing a weekly blog post, writing anything at all, and competing in 5K races required more motivation and commitment than I was capable of this year. Maybe next year will be a better year to complete these items.
I’m not writing all this to make excuses for what I didn’t do this year. Instead, I am writing this because of the one and only thing I wrote on my vision board this year: What might God be asking of me right now?
God Asking Me?
The question was asked by a pastor in an Advent message last year. As we prepared not only for the coming of Jesus Christ but also the coming year, he explained, we must ask ourselves what is God’s will is for us. Asking God for guidance, reading the Bible, and listening to our hearts were some of the ways to seek answers.
In January, I wrote the question on my Vision Board; gung ho on figuring out what God wants me to do. I prayed for guidance. I read Bible passages. Kept my eyes open for any clue as to what was my next move. I so wanted to do His purpose for me.
But then, I stopped. Don’t know exactly when or how but it just didn’t matter anymore. Anger? Depression? Self-pity? Wandering off the path? I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to do anything; much less God’s will. And it’s been that way ever since. Until now.
Giving Thanks to God
Last week was Thanksgiving Day. And in spite of the “place” I am in, I sat down with paper and pen and wrote down the things I thank God for this year. It’s an annual ritual of mine and though I was in no mood to do it, I did it anyway. It probably took me 10 minutes before I even wrote down the first item: family. Then other stuff popped into my brain: friends, sunshine, shelter, heat, squirrels scampering across the brick wall, hummingbirds visiting my garden, food. The list continued for 2 pages – front and back. Somethings were silly like Lego building blocks and word searches but most were genuine blessings. And then there was the last item on the back of the second page: God’s love.
God’s Love for Me
God has loved me my whole entire life. Even before I was born! Even this year. No judgement. No condemnation. Just love. And what have I done to reciprocate that love? Existed! That’s it. Nothing but existed. Just taken up some space on this planet. How awful is that? The greatest love anyone can ever have and I have done nothing in return.
And that fact got me to thinking. When I first began this blog, my intent – MY purpose – was to be similar to Erma Bombeck; write snippets about family, friends, neighbors, and life in general in a humorous, tender, and, at times, thought-provoking manner. I hope I have somewhat succeeded in that. But right now I can’t do that. Not on a consistent basis.
Maybe God is asking of me right now to write about what I’m going through. I know people who are hurting. Close friends of mine have lost their parents, spouses, pets, and even children. Maybe I can help ease their pain by exposing mine. I know there are other blogs and websites that deal with death, bereavement, and grief because I have read a few of them. There’s too many to even read them all. They have loyal followers and I’m not sure I have one follower. But this is what I’m going to do.
God is Asking Me
If this is what God’s will is for me or what He is asking of me right now I truly don’t know. But I have to try. I have to process all of this stuff that is inside of me. And if I can help someone else along the way then it will be worth it.
Following God’s will and being obedient to Him isn’t always the easiest thing to do. But it is the right thing to do. So I must do this. I hope you will walk along beside me as I journey through this whole process. Oh, and there will probably be some snippets of life along the way also. Not completely giving that up. Maybelle Crabtree signing off.