Maybelle Crabtree here. “I hate you, Mommy!” I remember the first time my son, Matthew, said those words to me. He sat on the couch, legs crisscrossed. His arms folded across each other. His eyes glared at me. He said the words slowly, emphasizing each word.
I was in the kitchen washing dishes. My reply was calm and nonchalant. “Well, I guess I’m doing my job right then.” I continued washing dishing; never bothering to even glance his way.
Matthew didn’t like my response. After a minute, he got up from the couch and stomped upstairs. Then, I heard him slam his door shut.
He was about 7 years old back then and wanted to watch one more television show before getting ready for bed. I said no. He argued. First, I counted one and gave him a warning: turn off the television or no TV tomorrow. He continued to ignore me. Next, I counted two. Still no response from him. “Three,” I finally said as I picked up the remote and turned the television off. He continued to sit. I started washing the dishes again. Then the words came from his mouth, “I hate you, Mommy!”
“Hate” Stamped on My Brain
After all this time, I still remember the incident; the words indelibly stamped on my brain. “I hate you, Mommy;” words that send a chill down any parent’s spine. But I didn’t want him to know that. He was frustrated and trying to push my buttons. Matthew wanted a reaction from me. Well, he got one. Just not the one he wanted.
I suppose I could have dropped the dish I was washing, run over to him begging forgiveness, and allowed him to watch just one more show. Or maybe cry and ask him to love me once more. Or yelled at him for saying such a thing to me. Maybe give him a lecture about hurting people’s feelings. But I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I gave him the worse response ever: indifference. A matter-of-fact statement with no emotion at all. He didn’t like that and went upstairs to sulk. A small victory for mom.
Sometimes I “Hate” the Experts
Now if you follow the “experts,” what I did was incorrect. I should have politely told Matthew that he cannot say that phrase to me and then talk with him to find the underlying reason for his actions. I often wonder if these so-called experts are parents themselves. And if so, do they actually practice what they preach? (You can read one expert here.) That might work for some kids but not Matthew. I knew what was the underlying reason was; he lost control of the situation and wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
Matthew was probably the hardest of our children to raise and discipline. He challenged almost every rule Tom and I came up with. We even decided that there weren’t any rules anymore, only standards. Our motto was “Live up to the standards or suffer the fallout.”
Discipline is Direction
Listen to some people nowadays and they don’t want children “punished” in any way. But discipline means “to teach.” It comes from the Latin word discipulus which means instruction and knowledge. A synonym for discipline is direction. Ask yourself this question: in which direction do you want your child to go?
Through discipline you are teaching children to have responsible behavior and self-control. This way they learn to manage both their feelings and their behavior. It is a fair and positive means of making children become responsible adults. Children learning the lessons of life in the safe environment of a loving home gives them a better chance of living a well-balanced life. Discipline is a long, tedious, and challenging duty of parenthood because children will always test the limits. I know because Matthew challenged every standard almost every day.
There were days when I just wanted to quit. But I didn’t. And you know why? Because I couldn’t give Matthew the upper hand. I had to stand my ground. Otherwise, he might have had a sense of entitlement; thinking of only himself. That he was the center of the world, maybe the universe. And I couldn’t let that happen. No siree. Not on my watch.
Occasionally He Still “Hated” Me
Over the years, there were other times when Matthew “hated” me. But my response was the same each time. Eventually, the words lost their sting. I felt more confident. Embolden was more like it. Soon there were no words. Only silence. He stopped arguing, accepting that the case was closed. Nothing he said would get to me. I had nerves of steel. Mom wasn’t a pushover.
Discipline’s rewards are immense. Respect grew between Matthew, and Tom and I. Life became a little easier to manage since the battles lessened. Matthew learned that the boundaries and standards were a form of love. Disappointments and uncomfortableness molded his character. Sometimes failing can be a very positive lesson to learn in life.
Today, Matthew is a kind and compassionate young man. Contributing to society in a way only he can. I have more than a few gray hairs because of him. There were days when I wasn’t even sure he nor I would last to the next day. But he’s my son. The spitting image of his father with many of his mannerism. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I am one proud mama. We did good, Tom. I hope you’re watching from above.
So what do you all think about discipline. Is there too much nowadays or not enough? Leave a comment down below and let’s discuss. Maybelle Crabtree signing off.
