Am I worthy? Maybelle Crabtree here. Maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it. You see I have a hard time believing in myself. I know, I can be a pretty good actress sometimes. Many times I have fooled a lot of people with my outside appearance. But inside of me, I don’t feel good about myself. I guess you could say I had an inferiority complex. I just felt like I couldn’t measure up to everyone else no matter how hard I tried. And that lead to a very warped view of who I was. And sometimes it still affects me today.
Maybe that’s why I started this blog: to get recognized for how talented I am with words and who knows what would happen after that. Problem is, I’m not sure if anyone even reads my blogs. So now it’s more for enjoyment than anything else.
Now you will understand why this year, 2026, I chose the word “worthy” for my One Word. This really isn’t really to admit. What you see on the outside isn’t how I feel on the inside. “How can that be?” you may ask. “You seem to be a very confident person.” All I can say is appearances are deceiving.
“Worthy” Questions
A few months ago I read a book about self-worth. I thought it would be good research for some future character I’d write about. I began reading the introduction and in the first paragraph where the following questions:
Are you overly impacted by the opinions of others and do you strive to meet their standards?
Do you feel undeserving of, and yet desperate for, the approval of others?
Do you feel inferior and incompetent when compared to others?
Are you constantly striving for recognition?
Do you feel undeserving of, and unable to accept, compliments?
Are you overly competitive?
Do you seek approval and envious of important people?
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you insist on getting your way?
Let me be honest. My answers to all of those questions was “yes.” But let me preface it by saying that when I was reading those questions I was thinking back to my childhood, teenage, and young adult years. I’m not nearly as bad as I was then. But I still have my moments. Maybe too many.
Always Comparing
You see I grow up in a neighborhood full of boys. It was the ear of women’s rights and liberation. In my mind I had to be better than those boys when I played with them. Otherwise, I was weaker and not equal to them.
If someone complimented me, I thought there were strings attached. Why else would they say nice thigs to me or about me if they didn’t want something in return?
I couldn’t be happy for people who won awards or received special recognition when I thought I should be the one receiving it.
And I was stubborn as a mule and relentless in getting my way; especially when I “knew” I was right.
Wasn’t Any Better As An Adult
Should I even mention the rocky beginning of my relationship with Tom? I did not feel worthy of him at all. Here he was a guy with not just a bachelor’s degree but also a master’s. Both of which were from what I perceived as elite universities. There I was a girl with just a bachelor’s from a low-cost state university. I did nothing but try to prove to him I was just as intelligent as he was. The results were disastrous. But, for some reason, he stuck around. I’m not sure why but he did. But I do know that the longer we dated, the calmer I became. The competitiveness, the perfectionism, and the inferior and incompetent feelings I had inside of me faded away.
However, even after we married, secretly inside of me I thought Tom would find someone better – smarter, prettier, a better cook, you name it – and leave me. Sometimes I even had nightmares about it.
Then the kids were born and I wondered why my friends’ kids seemed to be better behaved and rose to higher academics and extracurricular activities. I wasn’t envious of them really. I just wondered what I was doing wrong.
Now I see that I didn’t do anything wrong. Whatever I did, good or bad, made three well-adjusted, caring, and responsible human beings. Tom did his share of the work too. It wasn’t all me, thank goodness. Maybe it’s because of Tom more than me that they’re as great as they are. And I hope I haven’t burdened them with any of my quirks about self-worth and/or self-esteem.
Time To Be Worthy
Today is a new day. It’s a new year and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to practice self-acceptance. I will let go of the thoughts that have held me back; made me feel and think I wasn’t good enough. Instead, I will focus on things I like about myself. I will listen closely and intently when people give me compliments and acknowledge my good works. Take them at face value and not wonder if they want something from me.
The journey won’t be easy. I know that. The path isn’t straight or smooth. I’ll face setbacks along the way. But the courage I have will free me from the conditions I have placed on worth. Accepting myself as is, is a scary thought. Thinking that I am good enough for whatever Life has for me seems almost impossible. But I can do this. I have already admitted that I am a recovering perfectionist. Isn’t that a good start?
So like everything else I have done, I will take it one step, one day at a time. There will be bumps that I will stumble over but I will pick myself up, wipe off the dust, and continue forward. I won’t look back because that’s not the way I am going; ever again. And when my brain starts thinking, “Am I worthy?” The only answer will be, “Yes, I am!”
So what about you? Do you feel worthy? Or have you been like me and faking it? Leave a comment below and let’s discuss. Maybelle Crabtree signing off.