My Apologies For Not Writing Sooner

Maybelle Crabtree here. My apologies for not writing sooner. I have a good reason. A tragedy struck our family a few days after my last post. My husband, Tom, died unexpectedly in a single-car accident. Details of the accident are still sketchy even after the accident report was completed. There were no witnesses which makes it even tougher.

Tom was on his way home from running errands when, for some reason, he swerved and side-swiped a tree on the driver’s side of the car. Even with all the safety features in his car, he sustained major injuries and died at the scene.

I Didn’t Get to Say Good-Bye.

I was out with friends having lunch and when I pulled into our garage I saw that his car was still gone. He left that morning before I did. I thought to myself, “He should have been home by now.” I entered the house and called his name. No answer. I called his cell phone number which went straight to voice mail. I left a message; “Hi Honey, it’s me. Where are you? I thought you would beat me home. Call me back, please.”

Time passed and I hadn’t heard from him. I texted him: “Where are you? Are you okay?”

I tried not to panic and kept telling myself he’d be home soon. He just got delayed somewhere. Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door to see a uniformed sheriff deputy and a man in plain clothes with a name badge on that said “Coroner’s Department.” Everything after that is pretty hazy. I think it’s the shock that makes everything seem like a dream-state. Or maybe it’s Jesus holding you tight in his arms and allowing you only to remember what you can really handle.

The Waves of Grief

Your loved one dies and a tsunami hits you. You’re tossing around in the water; not knowing which way is up. You hold your breath as long as possible looking for signs of the surface. Finally, a ray of sunlight guides you to that surface. You gasp for air as your head breaks through the waterline. You look around searching for land or some kind of floaty to cling to. Treading water, your legs and arms ache. Your body is tired. You feel like giving up.

But then you see it – land not too far away – and swim with all the strength left in your body. You crawl unto the beach and lay down on the soft sand. You rest awhile. Finally, you arise. Your legs are weak but they can hold your weight. You walk along the beach wondering where you are and looking for nourishment. Feeling somewhat safe, you explore your surroundings; not knowing another tsunami is on the horizon coming your way. It sweeps you back out to sea and the whole process happens again.

Now the Hard Part Begins

Two months ago we held a memorial service for Tom. It was beautiful and well attended. We laughed and cried and shared memories of Tom. He was admired and respected. And he will be missed by all who knew him. I planned that service for four months and I am happy with the results. I am in a good place.

Now I must plan my life without Tom. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not now. Maybe sometime in the future when we were both really old and really grey. But not now. We just started planning our empty nest years. This was nowhere in the picture. I don’t know where to start.

What I Do Know

I will be staying here on Primrose Lane. Tom put us in a good financial position and the house is paid off so as long as I can pay the property taxes each year and climb the stairs to my bedroom, here is where I’ll be. The kids seemed pleased with my decision. Laurel even reminded me there is a bedroom and full bath downstairs so I can stay even longer. Thanks, Laurel.

Also, I am continuing Tom’s garden. I am not much of a green thumb but I will do it in honor of him. My first crop was kind of so-so. The cherry tomatoes were a bumper crop. But the zucchinis and squash have been few and I’m not talking about the rest. I have a lot to learn about gardening.

And I’m going to continue this blog. It’s what Tom would have wanted anyway. Writing has always been an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. It is how I have stayed somewhat sane throughout my life. Now, especially so. The adventures of my family, friends, and neighbors will have an added dimension – my journey through widowhood. I hope you will ride along.

The “W” Questions

They have all passed through my thoughts. Why did this happen? Why now? What do I have to teach or learn? Why do I have to live without Tom? Where has my joy gone? When does the hurting stop? Where is God? A million questions race through my mind.

God hit me with a reminder a couple of weeks ago during my morning devotion time. One of the sentences read, “Understanding will not bring you peace; trust will.” So that what I am doing: trusting my God, my Savior, Jesus Christ. And whenever one of those “w” questions crosses my mind, I simply pray, “I trust you, Jesus.”

So there you have it. What are your thoughts? Leave me a comment down below and let’s discuss.